Combustible Lemons

Laura Is The Worst Sister Ever And Isn't Even Funny, A Report By Derek Hale

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:39:38 -0700

So what happened was that this occurred to me, and then I kept thinking about it, and then it sort of started merging in my head with the online dating AU I’ve been tossing around in my head for a while, so. In case you’re wondering, a) the Hales are still alive, b) Laura worries about her shut-in little brother and made half a dozen profiles for him on various dating websites, one of which is a werewolf-friendly one because I like my ideas utterly ridiculous, and c) Stiles is an enormous troll and that is how they meet. Okay I think that’s all you need to know, I will be going back to my wine now.

(P.S. Props to gelasius for coming up with the 101 Dalmatians thing because I laughed for like eight thousand years.)

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Laura Is The Worst Sister Ever And Isn’t Even Funny, A Report By Derek Hale

“The books were better.”

“Oh my god, I know your unimpeachable stance on book-to-movie adaptations, but let me ask: have you actually watched the movies?”

“Stiles—”

“I’m just saying, because the last time we had this conversation, you hadn’t.”

“We haven’t had this conversation before.”

“Um, yeah we have.” Stiles leans back in his chair, smirking out of the screen at Derek. “We were talking about a different movie, but dude. It was this exact same conversation, and you totally hadn’t even seen the movie that time.”

“I’ve seen the Harry Potter movies.” Derek crosses his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t impressed.”

“That’s because you refused to go see them in the theater.”

“Laura,” Derek growls, spinning his desk chair around to glare at his sister who’s leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom like she has some sort of a right to be there. “I thought I confiscated your key.”

“Yeah,” she snorts, “like I only made one copy. Hey, Stiles!” she calls over his shoulder, waving cheerfully at his computer screen.

“Hey, Laura!” Stiles’s voice over the speakers is tinny but enthusiastic, and the grin that’s spreading over his face has Derek’s scowl deepening. “What, did he just watch them on DVD? There’s your problem, man!” he says, throwing his hands in the air and leaning forward again. “Something like that, you’ve gotta see on the big screen.”

“Oh, Derek doesn’t do movies in theaters.” Laura smirks and saunters over, spinning Derek back around so that she can brace her arms on the back of his chair as she leans over his shoulder towards the laptop. “Poor baby has some trauma he’s still working through.”

“What are you even doing here?” Derek demands, at the exact same moment that Stiles asks, “Wait, trauma? What trauma?”

“I came over because I thought you might like to take your big sister out to lunch.”

“You did not.”

“Sure I did! After all, it’s thanks to me that you’re having this very …” She waves vaguely towards the screen. “Whatever the hell this conversation is. Since I know you were brought up right, I naturally assumed you’d want to do something to thank me for the effort that I made purely out of the goodness of my heart.”

“Setting up a dozen online dating profiles for me without my permission has nothing to do with the goodness of your heart.”

“I’m wounded, Der.”

“HEY!” They both jump, their eyes darting back to the screen where Stiles is pulling the microphone on his headset away from his mouth with a mildly guilty look. The speakers are still buzzing. “Sorry, just—what trauma?”

“Nothing,” Derek says quickly, snarling as Laura ruffles a hand through his hair.

“Don’t be embarrassed, baby bro,” she says, and he might not be able to see her face at the moment, but he can hear the evil smirk in her voice. “It happens to lots of people.”

Stiles blinks out at them. “Um. Did he get erectile dysfunction in a theater once or something?”

Laura cackles so loudly that Derek actually winces away. “No,” he says vehemently. “Laura’s just full of shit.”

“Oh, so you didn’t have trouble controlling yourself—”

“Laura—”

“—when you were little, and you didn’t have to get pulled out of the theater—”

He twists in his seat, lunging for her, but she darts back with the Devil’s own glee sparkling in her eyes.

“—when you shifted in the middle of Hocus Pocus and wouldn’t calm down long enough to shift back?”

The fight goes out of Derek in a sudden rush, and he sinks in a defeated slump back into his chair. “I hate you.”

“You …” Stiles sounds like he might be choking, and Derek can’t even look at the screen right now. “Um. Derek?”

“I was four, first of all,” he snaps, turning his head to glare at Laura who’s laughing, half-collapsed against the back of the chair. “And I’m not the only kid to get freaked out and have a little trouble—”

“You couldn’t shift back?” Stiles still sounds like he’s having trouble making actual human sounds, and one look is all it takes to see that Derek was right; his face is screwed up in the way it always is when he’s trying not to laugh, when he has something he just has to get out before he’ll let himself go. “You couldn’t shift back because you were too scared of … Bette Midler?”

Then he and Laura are both off again, nearly collapsed into hysterics while Derek grinds his teeth and waits for them to finish. And he knows he shouldn’t, but—

“You know, that scene in the graveyard was actually really—”

“Oh my god,” Stiles wheezes, face buried in his hands. “Oh my god you must’ve just been … precious.”

“You should’ve seen him when he watched the live action 101 Dalmatians.”

“I am going to kill you. I’m actually going to end your life, and not a single jury would convict me.”

“Were you afraid you were gonna get skinned, Derek?”

“I don’t know why I even like either of you.”

“You love us, really.” Laura ruffles his hair again, though she pulls her hand back quickly this time, like she’s afraid he might actually bite it off. “Come on, I’m starving, you can Skype with your boyfriend later.”

“He’s not—you have no idea how lucky you are to be an only child,” he tells Stiles as Laura saunters back out of the room, and he swears to god he’s changing all the locks on his apartment doors.

“I dunno.” There’s a strange look in Stiles’s eyes, but he’s smiling softly. “Seems like it might be kind of fun sometimes.”

“What interaction were you just watching?”

“Go have lunch with your sister.”

“Really? You’re not gonna give me shit about this movie thing?”

“Oh, I’m totally gonna give you shit, are you kidding? But we’re talking about a month’s worth of ball-busting, minimum; we can take a break for you to carb up.”

“Jackass.”

“I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna be in town for Spring Break next week, and we’re gonna see the new sci-fi/action flick.”

“What new sci-fi/action flick?”

“Hell if I know, but there’s always one out around this time of year. You in?”

Derek feels his stomach do a slow, rolling twist, and even Laura hollering at him from the living room to get his ass in gear can’t keep the smile off his face.

“Yeah, I guess I’m in.”

stylins0narmy: Teen Wolf - MIX OF NONSENSE (Crack!) I’VE NEVER...

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:35:33 -0700

stylins0narmy:

Teen Wolf - MIX OF NONSENSE (Crack!)

I’VE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

helenish: bootysnorkel: Addendum to our already peer reviewed...

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:20:18 -0700

helenish:

bootysnorkel:

Addendum to our already peer reviewed thesis about Stiles’s eye color, at no point do I ever get tired of having characters in fic show up for thirty seconds just to leer at Stiles’s mouth and then get shown the door. Go ahead, just write an entire story of Places Stiles Has Been Where People Were Weird About His Lips. Derek keeps the record in his head, an ever expanding list. Grocery store? Check. County fair, Triple check, the Hallmark Store two towns over where they were innocently just trying to pick out a card that adequately said, “Congratulations on your Beautiful Three Way Relationship Being Solemnized by a Special Ceremony You are Allowing Us, Your Friends to Witness” and the cashier offered Stiles a free lolly-pop with a weird, glazed look on his face? Ugh. Check.

SECONDED, but only if Stiles is completely oblivious the whole time, even as he’s licking his lips or biting his lower lip or rubbing his thumb against his mouth while thinking, and Derek oscillates slowly between feelings of:

- IS THIS REAL LIFE

- WHY

- THIS IS REALLY GETTING RIDICULOUS

- HE HAS TO BE DOING IT ON PURPOSE

- HE’S NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE

and ends up finally at a resigned: I FEEL YOU BRO, JUST—GET YOUR STARING DONE BECAUSE WE’RE ON THE CLOCK HERE, like it’s just another thing you work around like how Isaac is late for everything and Scott’s car breaks down at least once a month, and people need to stare at Stiles’ mouth, fine, it’s a nice mouth, he gets it—

“Fine, it’s a nice mouth?” Stiles says, eyes glinting dangerously.

“Um,” Derek says.

thefrogman: [video] [h/t: cineraria]

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:12:28 -0700

thefrogman:

[video] [h/t: cineraria]

bmo-thirteen: i want to be loved and cuddled and hugged and then fucked against a wall (◕‿◕✿)

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:09:01 -0700

bmo-thirteen:

i want to be loved and cuddled and hugged and then fucked against a wall (◕‿◕✿)

goldenbows: some things in life aren’t fair

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:05:42 -0700

goldenbows:

some things in life aren’t fair

Photo

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:03:03 -0700

Part 2 to this gifset.AU: Laura tries to convince Derek to...

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:00:41 -0700

Part 2 to this gifset.
AU: Laura tries to convince Derek to stop ~~being an ass~~ cutting people out of his life and apologise to his boyfriend.

AU: Stiles and Derek have a fight and then Derek gets into a...

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:59:16 -0700

AU: Stiles and Derek have a fight and then Derek gets into a car accident. Laura calls Stiles to the hospital but Derek’s ~~being a stubborn ass~~ isn’t ready to forgive Stiles yet.

conniecann: [x]

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:50:01 -0700

conniecann:

[x]

twofacedjanus: colethewolf: You cannot even try to tell me...

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:45:39 -0700

twofacedjanus:

colethewolf:

You cannot even try to tell me that you didn’t think they were about to kiss because they were seriously about to.

Especially the 2nd gif.

The way Stiles looks at Derek’s lips and nods slightly.

The way Derek’s eyes skit around looking at Stiles’ facial expressions.

The way Derek swallows almost nervously

this post is flawless

Photo

Fri, 17 May 2013 22:13:03 -0700

hungrylikethewolfie: lierdumoa: majestic-beard: THAT SECOND...

Fri, 17 May 2013 21:57:43 -0700

hungrylikethewolfie:

lierdumoa:

majestic-beard:

THAT SECOND GIF.
CAN WE JUST SAY THAT STILES’ UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE BONERS ARE REAL AND BE DONE WITH IT BECAUSE THAT IS A “YOU JUST MADE IT INTO THE SPANK BANK AND I AM GONNA MAKE A HELLUVA DEPOSIT” LOOK.

i don’t even ship this like at all but that is a thing that happened

Truth.

Still don’t ship it; still desperately want to see them bang.

hungrylikethewolfie: You wanna play Catwoman? I’ll be your...

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:22:19 -0700

hungrylikethewolfie:

You wanna play Catwoman? I’ll be your Batman.

TEEN WOLF AU » Stiles and Erica are nerdy BFFs.

I would read pretty much all the AUs where Erica and Stiles met online gaming and became nerd!bros.

Photo

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:19:01 -0700

hoechlined: Sterek AU: in which Stiles confesses his feelings...

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:15:57 -0700

hoechlined:

Sterek AU: in which Stiles confesses his feelings to Derek.

Photo

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:13:59 -0700

heartsafool: derek hale + his ‘i’m surrounded by idiots’ look

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:12:53 -0700

heartsafool:

derek hale + his ‘i’m surrounded by idiots’ look

i-have-the-d: montypythonsflyingsurplus: kinkjolras: blindterezi: sassyterrorist2: Hey...

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:08:30 -0700

i-have-the-d:

montypythonsflyingsurplus:

kinkjolras:

blindterezi:

sassyterrorist2:

Hey what’s the most times you can masturbate without dying

so this is the ultimate question

the answer to life the universe and everything

I don’t think I’m ever going to stop laughing

Photo

Thu, 16 May 2013 20:05:05 -0700